Dear Blog,
Hey, its Christmas today!
Merry Christmas!
Though today its all about celebration. It isn't for me.
Woke up and reached for her through texts. Got to know she wasn't feeling all happy and couldn't sleep the night before. I came up with the idea to go over her place to give her the Christmas pressies I got her to make her all happy again. At least to see her smile again. And also maybe to see her for a bit on Christmas day. Missing her badly anyways.
It went bad.. we talked about us.
She wants me to understand that she needed space, time for herself to forget all the unhappiness she experienced.
I do understand, I know how she felt when I was a total jerk and an asshole to treat her that way out of my doubts and anger. I know. I'm really trying very hard to make things right again ever since, even myself knows nothing I can do to erase the pain she suffered through it.
She wanted us to move on, forget about 'us'.. I just can't. Days ago, I wanted closure from our relationship, I was actually searching for an answer to our promise we made each other, which is, if one of us still loves another, we wouldn't separate, until someone doesn't love anymore.
I just need her to tell me she don't love me anymore, so I could really move on.
She couldn't. But she wanted us to move on. I was confused, and desperate to get her back as I still love her so very much.
I also do understand she needed space, gap, and time for herself to heal. I guessed I didn't give enough space and gap as we were still texting each another from time to time and sometimes I couldn't help expressing my thoughts about us, which wasn't appropriate. But I do try not to disturb her always, I have actually toned down the frequency of me messaging her. But I always wanted to see her, missing her always.
But all that she wanted pointed to the direction that I need to move on, but we're still contacting each other, caring for each other. I can't move on like that. To me, I will be forever felt stuck in this situation not knowing I should move on or not.
She needed to heal, but she did text me. And me being the reminder of her pain. I will always be that to her now. I was confused. I really didn't know how to move on.
Maybe in all, I didn't actually give her what she wanted.
At the end, I thought for awhile. She's suffering. She wanted to move on, but will never achieve that with me being around still. Maybe I need to let go from my side, so we can actually move on. We can actually have what's best for us.
I told her the biggest lie, that I don't love her anymore.
So we could really get on, move forward and go our own separate ways.
Maybe it is for the best.
I will still continue to love her from my ways, I would want to see her genuinely happy.
I can only regret of what I did, what I did that ruined my one and only thing that matters most to me.
I will never forgive myself for what I did, nor forget them.
This is goodbye, I'm sorry that I wasn't the one for you, AJ.
- R
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