Goodbye, dear blog

Dear Blog,

I'm really sorry.. I think I'm gonna leave you.

Don't think I need you to be my inner voice anymore.


I'm gonna go on an adventure.

Thanks for letting me pin down so many negativity on your pages.

Thank you.

and bye.

:)

Sailor Boy and His Stuffed Panda Toy

There lived a young sailor boy,

He was lost in his own life, he has no plans, no sense of responsibilities and it seems like there wasn't any future in him.

He always kept dreaming of something that wouldn't happen, a miracle of his own world. Delusional.

One very fine day, after his 21st birthday, he found a little panda stuffed toy. Which he lay interest when he was small kid. He picked up the toy and continues to grow interest in. Until one day, he felt a deep strong attachment to it and wanted to keep it for his own. Little that he know, there is a magical gem in it that will save his life.

Soon after, he brought only the toy with him in on an adventure with his ship. Set sailed through the vast sea, knowing nothing what he could find, explore, and experience. 

That magical gem seemed to work its magic through the toy. The young lad didn't felt homesick, having the toy to actually kept him company throughout the voyage. He felt the warmth heartfelt coming from the stuffed animal as like he's being loved. He had conversation with it, slept with it, spent most of his time with it. He never felt once being bored with it, he was really genuinely happy that he found such companion. He then after, he has grown with it, he learnt about responsibilities, he had plans, and he learnt to love.

Days, months, years.. has passed. He is still on this ship, with that panda stuffed toy. Throughout the voyage, they endured a lot of obstacles, they went through heavy storms, high tides, rocky routes and the ship still floating. The magical gem works its wonder from time to time, salvaging all the lost hopes and save the ship from sinking, saving the boy in the process.

One very fine morning, the young lad had gone mad over some little thing, letting his anger get the best of him. He lashed out his anger on the stuffed toy, throwing it around, shouted at it, and abusing it. His actions damaged the toy and led the magical gem in it cracked. He then regretted his actions and nothing he can do to restore the toy to the way it was.

After two months later, the gem works its magic again, warning him through voice whispers that to change his route he's taking. He did not trust it, and soon after, his ship smashed to a rock and left a big hole to the ship. The ship was sinking, the cracked gem reacted but not quick enough as it could only save half the ship. The water had already rise up the ship, floated the stuffed panda toy along with it. He had lost his companion, his most valuable thing during then.

He is trying his very best to search for the toy, believing one day he would find it back. Knowing that he what he shared with it after all those years, there is a special bond that could help him obtain it back one day.

He regretted everyday that he didn't give enough trust which led to where he is now.

He tend to change for the better, and hope one day when he found the stuffed toy again, they could share something eternal. The cracked gem will heal someday, and it might or might not want to go back to the searching sailor. And that,.. is another story.

The magical gem in the story was powered by true love. When there is true love, it will work its magic.

 -------------------------------------------------------

I might not be a great story teller, but this is what I can come up with with the situation I am in now.

I'm sorry if the story wasn't up to your standards.

I believe in true love I had with someone special whom I have recently lost.

I believe.

- Raymond

Everything was fine, until me.

Dear Blog,

Every night, I kept on thinking what would have been if I didn't acted the way I did on the 10th of October 2013.

Things were fine, everything were all fine.

I remembered that morning we had a good morning together, smiles, hugs, kisses, i love yous throwing here and there at each other.

If things didn't happened that way, If I didn't turned into a monster that day.

I would still have all those.

I would still have able to pursue my future with her, growing old together, starting a family, a family filled with love.

Things were fine. Why would I do such terrible sin.

Hurting, accusing, abusing, and torturing her that very day, as if I did not treat her as human.

How could I do such thing? to someone whom I loved most, cared most, matters most to me.

Everything was fine that day, until me.

Doubts and rage got the best of me, resulted I lost everything I could have, with her.

I regretted it, never to forget.. its impossible to forget what I did, nor forgive myself.


-----------


Everything.. was fine.

Why?

This will always be the my biggest regret in my life, always will be.

Things could have gone to a much happier ending.

Never to get back what I lost with her.

Never will.

Never will be.

I hate myself.

10th October 2013, 19 November 2013, and Christmas 2013.. moving on.

Dear Blog,

Hey, its Christmas today!

Merry Christmas!

Though today its all about celebration. It isn't for me.

Woke up and reached for her through texts. Got to know she wasn't feeling all happy and couldn't sleep the night before. I came up with the idea to go over her place to give her the Christmas pressies I got her to make her all happy again. At least to see her smile again. And also maybe to see her for a bit on Christmas day. Missing her badly anyways.

It went bad.. we talked about us.

She wants me to understand that she needed space, time for herself to forget all the unhappiness she experienced.

I do understand, I know how she felt when I was a total jerk and an asshole to treat her that way out of my doubts and anger. I know. I'm really trying very hard to make things right again ever since, even myself knows nothing I can do to erase the pain she suffered through it.

She wanted us to move on, forget about 'us'.. I just can't. Days ago, I wanted closure from our relationship, I was actually searching for an answer to our promise we made each other, which is, if one of us still loves another, we wouldn't separate, until someone doesn't love anymore.

I just need her to tell me she don't love me anymore, so I could really move on.

She couldn't. But she wanted us to move on. I was confused, and desperate to get her back as I still love her so very much.

I also do understand she needed space, gap, and time for herself to heal. I guessed I didn't give enough space and gap as we were still texting each another from time to time and sometimes I couldn't help expressing my thoughts about us, which wasn't appropriate. But I do try not to disturb her always, I have actually toned down the frequency of me messaging her. But I always wanted to see her, missing her always.

But all that she wanted pointed to the direction that I need to move on, but we're still contacting each other, caring for each other. I can't move on like that. To me, I will be forever felt stuck in this situation not knowing I should move on or not.

She needed to heal, but she did text me. And me being the reminder of her pain. I will always be that to her now. I was confused. I really didn't know how to move on.

Maybe in all, I didn't actually give her what she wanted.

At the end, I thought for awhile. She's suffering. She wanted to move on, but will never achieve that with me being around still. Maybe I need to let go from my side, so we can actually move on. We can actually have what's best for us.

I told her the biggest lie, that I don't love her anymore.

So we could really get on, move forward and go our own separate ways.

Maybe it is for the best.

I will still continue to love her from my ways, I would want to see her genuinely happy.

I can only regret of what I did, what I did that ruined my one and only thing that matters most to me.

I will never forgive myself for what I did, nor forget them.

This is goodbye, I'm sorry that I wasn't the one for you, AJ.


- R

I Understand

Dear Blog,

I have done a terrible, terrible thing. Even I couldn't forgive myself for what I've done.

10th Oct 2013, I have accused the one I loved most of my doubts and insecurity and it cost us our relationship.

I've basically thrown away everything I had with her out the window based on my actions that day.

I have done terrible things that day. I accused, shouted, abused her, thrown her out of the house, and even worse.. I thrown her precious things across the room.

I'm a real monster.

I always thought to myself of what I did, and I regretted it ever since that day.

Today, I was driving back home.. my mind wandered. Thinking back about that day, thinking how she would feel that day, putting myself in her shoe and try to relive the past as her.

I realized how much she loved me through it, she could forgive me for my actions and continue to be with me after that day. She's one very strong girl, and a girl who really really truly love the monster, me.

I couldn't help my tears from falling while I was on the road.

I felt her fear, I felt her confusion, I felt her pressure, and I felt her pain..

I felt ashamed that I am still after her, when she asked for a break-up 5 days ago.

I felt I don't deserve her.

...

I don't know what I can do to ever heal the pain she experienced from my dumb actions.

I can never forgive myself for what I've done. Never.


She deserved better.

I am sorry, though sorry will never be enough to compensate what is done.

Its All About You.

Hi Blog,

I just seemed to get her out of my head, missing her so dear much.

and.. I went to her blog again, yea.. guilty as charged.

browse through all the posts posted bout us.

Some of the pages, it auto load the songs we shared and one caught my ears and made me poured in tears yet again.

I love this song, its been our ringtone for quite a while when we were together.

I thought I could share the song with you guys out there.



Song from McFly, All About You.

I first heard this song when I was in a college event. Fell in love with it right that instance, the song made me think about her right away and it still does now. Someone whom I love most, that my life is all about her. So I went back, there she was, shared the song with her, its all worth it, she smiled and hugged me.

I hope u guys enjoyed the song as how we did.

I miss you.

- Raymond.

Fix

Dear Blog,

My relationship has been quite a roller-coaster, there's so many ups and downs.

I've been the impact of most of the conflicts caused the hurt, the unhappiness, the broken relationship.

After her being able to put up with me for the past 4 years, I really owe her so much.

It isn't an easy task for her to endured someone like me and still be in love. Really am sorry for everything.


Although its a little to late, I know what I want now, I know what kind of future I want to live in, and I need that precious special someone to share that future with.

I won't give up on those photos posted in the previous post. I won't give up on 'us'. I want to fix myself, I will fix this broken link.

I want us to smile again like the above picture, and be happy in the presence of each another.

Time will tell.

- R